Osso Bucco - A Recipe

Commonly known as “Not for you buck-o” when talking to the sheep you are about to slaughter, Osso Bucco is a great way to put a smile back on the kids dial. After all, you did just murder their pet…

Ingredients

1. Some nice olive oil, found generally in Kylie’s room on the shelf next to a picture of people in a frame that she doesn’t really know and actually came with the frame! In metric we can roughly say 1/4 cup (60ml) olive oil
   
2. 2 brown onions, chopped – choppy hop hi chop good
   
3. 2 carrots and 2 celery sticks also given the old circumcision repeatedly
   
   2 garlic cloves, crushed like a teenager nerd asking out the home coming queen to the prom and then finding the porno she made with his dad later that night. School rides would never been the same again after watching the “Banging Bus 2008”
   
4. Plain Jane flour, for coating. Basically you use as you go so don’t worry about getting out the scales out… unless you are cutting in some cocaine or other various white powders. Scales in this situation would be vital as “Mr. Fucken Give me my Money” would be disappointed at best if he was to receive a poor return on his Osso Bucco investment.
   
5. Salt & freshly ground pepper – Not to be confused with the band “The White Stripes”
   
6. About 1.5kg of veal osso bucco! This is actually the cut of meat. These emotional creatures really slash their wrists hard and produce succulent chop like cuts of absorptive flavoursome meat. If they have the bone still in it please remove, after all you would not like to have a bone to pick with anyone.
   
7. 1 cup (250ml) red wine – red red wine…. Something something you know your mine? It’s times like these when your misunderstanding of socially bonding songs can pass you off as a possessive freak. Singing while drinking and adding your creative proportions at this stage is encouraged.
   
8. 400g can diced (can be found in fluffy form hanging from the rear view mirror of a poor shit box VL Commadore) tomatoes
   
9. 1 melbourne cup (250ml) beef stock – As Stock spices (prices?) start to tumble I am sure you will be able to find yourself a bargain!
   
10. Chopped herbs to serve
    
11. Irish Creamy Potato, to serve – Please find Irish Creamy Potato in Daragh’s mind

Method

Preheat oven while you heat half the oil in a large non-stick frying pan over medium heat. Add onions, carrots, celery and garlic to the pan along with the vast extents of experimental shit you would also like to squeeze into this section. Vegetables that will soften without tasting like baby food and reminding you of you time in prison would work best. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 8 minutes or until softened. Remove from pan and set aside. (unless you have two pans and are some sort of super cook or millionaire with two pans… non stick, what a joke)

Season flour with salt and pepper, crack cocaine, herbs and any other spice you feel will suit a Mediterranean dish. Coat osso bucco in flour, shaking off all the excess poobar you accumulate while fingering the meat. Heat remaining oil in the frying pan over medium-high heat. Add meat and cook for 2-3 minutes each side or until well browned. Transfer meat to a large ovenproof dish. At this point you would also add the vegetables.

Increase pan heat to high and add the wine. Boil for 2 minutes, scraping any tasty bits off the base of the pan. Stir in the tomatoes and stock. Bring to the boil. Pour over the meat in the dish. The meat should be covered by the liquid. Cover with a lid and cook for 2 hours or until the meat is very tender and the sauce thickens.

Serve accompanied by the mash in a black tie and elegant in heels. Tonight you will be collecting a TONY award or possible GOLDEN GLOBE as you serve them a dish fit for a famous person like Garry Abblett