Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Osso Bucco - A Recipe

Commonly known as “Not for you buck-o” when talking to the sheep you are about to slaughter, Osso Bucco is a great way to put a smile back on the kids dial. After all, you did just murder their pet…


  1. Some nice olive oil, found generally in Kylie’s room on the shelf next to a picture of people in a frame that she doesn’t really know and actually came with the frame! In metric we can roughly say 1/4 cup (60ml) olive oil
  2. 2 brown onions, chopped – choppy hop hi chop good
  3. 2 carrots and 2 celery sticks also given the old circumcision repeatedly

    2 garlic cloves, crushed like a teenager nerd asking out the home coming queen to the prom and then finding the porno she made with his dad later that night. School rides would never been the same again after watching the “Banging Bus 2008”
  4. Plain Jane flour, for coating. Basically you use as you go so don’t worry about getting out the scales out… unless you are cutting in some cocaine or other various white powders. Scales in this situation would be vital as “Mr. Fucken Give me my Money” would be disappointed at best if he was to receive a poor return on his Osso Bucco investment.
  5. Salt & freshly ground pepper – Not to be confused with the band “The White Stripes”
  6. About 1.5kg of veal osso bucco! This is actually the cut of meat. These emotional creatures really slash their wrists hard and produce succulent chop like cuts of absorptive flavoursome meat. If they have the bone still in it please remove, after all you would not like to have a bone to pick with anyone.
  7. 1 cup (250ml) red wine – red red wine…. Something something you know your mine? It’s times like these when your misunderstanding of socially bonding songs can pass you off as a possessive freak. Singing while drinking and adding your creative proportions at this stage is encouraged.
  8. 400g can diced (can be found in fluffy form hanging from the rear view mirror of a poor shit box VL Commadore) tomatoes
  9. 1 melbourne cup (250ml) beef stock – As Stock spices (prices?) start to tumble I am sure you will be able to find yourself a bargain!
  10. Chopped herbs to serve
  11. Irish Creamy Potato, to serve – Please find Irish Creamy Potato in Daragh’s mind


Preheat oven while you heat half the oil in a large non-stick frying pan over medium heat. Add onions, carrots, celery and garlic to the pan along with the vast extents of experimental shit you would also like to squeeze into this section. Vegetables that will soften without tasting like baby food and reminding you of you time in prison would work best. Cook, stirring occasionally, for 8 minutes or until softened. Remove from pan and set aside. (unless you have two pans and are some sort of super cook or millionaire with two pans… non stick, what a joke)

Season flour with salt and pepper, crack cocaine, herbs and any other spice you feel will suit a Mediterranean dish. Coat osso bucco in flour, shaking off all the excess poobar you accumulate while fingering the meat. Heat remaining oil in the frying pan over medium-high heat. Add meat and cook for 2-3 minutes each side or until well browned. Transfer meat to a large ovenproof dish. At this point you would also add the vegetables.

Increase pan heat to high and add the wine. Boil for 2 minutes, scraping any tasty bits off the base of the pan. Stir in the tomatoes and stock. Bring to the boil. Pour over the meat in the dish. The meat should be covered by the liquid. Cover with a lid and cook for 2 hours or until the meat is very tender and the sauce thickens.

Serve accompanied by the mash in a black tie and elegant in heels. Tonight you will be collecting a TONY award or possible GOLDEN GLOBE as you serve them a dish fit for a famous person like Garry Abblett

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Tex’s Psychological Test

Pigeon Holing People since 2008

Note: Answer questions as quickly as you can

Question 1:

There are two hippo’s smoking in the shed, what brand of cigarettes are they smoking?

If you answered:

“Why are there two hippo’s in a shed smoking cigarettes?” – You are a nosy and some what negative person and can’t understand the plight of the hippo or comprehend the art of answering a question. Why is it so unusual for a fully grown male hippo to be sitting back relaxing with another hippo, puffing back on Malbro’s and talking about old times? The fact that you have not bothered to answer the question, and yet deliberately responded to it by asking another, points towards a selfish nature.
“Peter Jackson – HOLIDAY” – you would be wrong
“I don’t smoke” – You are a self absorbed loser that sips on decaffeinated, artificially sweetened soy latte’s and rams their opinion down other peoples cancer ridden throats. Not only have you not answered the question, you are actually implying that I am evil for suggesting a 4 tonne animal would enjoy a “dart”! You didn’t point out that the hippo’s are actually in captivity, so the size of their shed would probably be more important than their lifestyle choices.
“B&H Extra Milds, Peter Stuyvesant, Malbro or Camel” – You may have an addiction, but your enthusiasm is appreciated
Other – Please send me your reply in order for an accurate analysis

Question 2:

If a tree falls in the woods and lands on a 1947 Royal’s Royce, perfectly restored, will it make a sound if you are not around? (That was not intended to rhyme. Rap music should be left to professionals like “P-diddy”, “Maria Carey” and “Big bird from Sesame Street”!

If you answered:

“Why would there be a perfectly restored 1947 Royal’s Royce in some woods with questionable safety?” – You would be the same person that can’t answer questions. I don’t think I like your tone, and at a rough guess I would say it is an A minor (because minor tones always seem depressing and generally accompany funerals… possibly yours? But you would have difficulty answering that one)
“Yes, you could hear the screams of its owner as he ran from behind the falling tree with his pants around his ankles after taking the piss of his life” – You have a high opinion of yourself. By thinking your urine stream has the flow, pressure and power that could be comparable to an industrial water jet cutter you are almost admitting that you have impotence. WAIT… are you a paedophile? The fantastic choice in car might have thrown me off the scene, just like it did when I was 6, but I am onto you now.
“You belong to your world in your own way! If you were not around to hear the noise, to you it didn’t happen and for you it didn’t make a sound” – You have what is known as “moron” disease. You think of yourself as an academic but that is just a symptom of being a moron. The sounds of guns firing in Africa and the Middle East cannot be heard by you if you are not around, but they are happening and they do make sounds. Sounds and around rhyme so well that I feel like I’m turning this analysis into a musical with Julia Andrews.
Other – Please send me your reply in order for an accurate analysis

Question 3:

While baking a chocolate cake, do you feel the need to lick the bowl?

If you answered:

“I love it” – Unaware that you have misread bowl as bowel you are clearly identifying yourself as either a practicing homosexual, enjoy an active anal relationship with your heterosexual partner or are a Catholic priest. Unfortunately this analysis wraps people that enjoy licking the cake bowl into the same category as anal appreciatives (the new AA) and just as unluckily it mixes (pardon the pun) paedophiles with their victims in what ironically links them via their love for chocolate.
“No, it’s too sticky and is a bit sweet” – I believe the only possible reason for a chocolate cake mix to be too sweet is if you didn’t follow the instructions properly. This would therefore point towards you being an imbecile that is incapable of following instructions, so also would argue that you are now identified as a “man or male”. As for it being sticky… well we can’t win them all can we?
“I don’t like cooking” – Listen Bitch, this is the last time I’m going to tell you [punch in eye] get back in the friggin kitchen
Other – Please send me your reply in order for an accurate analysis

Question 4:

How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?

If you answered:

“This is a rhetorical question that is designed for meditation not confirmation” – You suffer from bed wetting and are afraid of the dark. Your fears of roads will eventually lead you to the navy where you will peruse a life of seamanship. I also believe you could be lactose intolerant but am a little unsure!
“I don’t walk, I drive a Suzuki swift down all my roads” – your love for small cars and deliberate disregard for the environment puts you in the company of losers. If you are taking this test for somebody else, please don’t hesitate to destroy their eye sockets with your environmentally friendly fists.
“7” – You are generally lucky and ironically in this question you have fluked the right answer!
Other – Please send me your reply in order for an accurate analysis

Question 5:

5 little ducks went out one day, over the hills and far away, mother duck said… [Complete this sentence]

If you answered:

“Quack Quack Quack Quack, and only 4 little ducks came back”
– You have been arrested twice for entering child care centres when you are not a parent or guardian and have numerous child sex offences currently pending. However, your love of children has often seen you acting as a child carer and you can also be perceived to be “good with kids”
“Thank Christ for that!” – You suffered from childhood obesity and have passed the trait onto your own children. They are currently eating you out of house and home and all you have to show for it is a half a chicken wing and bit marks to your finger.
“I’m going to the Pokies” – Your addiction is probably what made your 5 little ducks fu(k off to pursue better interest and leave you with a steadily increasing debt and a horrid skin infection. Also, you would have annoyed hundreds of thousands of Christian Youth Week followers for using Christ’s name in vein. This could have resulted in a $5500 fine but instead was reduced to religious lecturing… take your pick
“A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, so the possibly the last little duck didn’t hear her?” – There is something seriously wrong with you. Would you like to come back to my place for a couple of beers and a steak with pepper sauce?
Other – Please send me your reply in order for an accurate analysis

Thankyou for taking the time to complete this test
Hopefully I have given an insight into your personality


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Workplace Safety - Safety First

Note: If you are unable to read this then you could be in danger of penguin attack. Hopefully a right click and save will (ironically) save you from such a fate. If it doesn't work then i, -Tex Phillips, can not be held accountable for any sexual assault or minor stab wounds inflicted by savage fairy penguins.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Pineapples - My Thoughts

Dear Madam,

Today i purchased a pineapple from your store and was lead to believe that i would gain magical powers from eating its flesh. I now realise that you are actually a vampire and in pitching your sale you were assuming vampire practices were common amongst the mortal human being culture. However, i must insist that i bring back the pineapple (seen below) as i believed pineapples to be inanimate and this clearly isn't...

I trust that you will endeavour to accommodate my pineapple needs in the future, after all i feel almost stripped of my dignity during a 45min dinner party with friends and family from Walt Disney's The Lion King because i was eating a pineapple-less Hawaiian pizza! Simba was once again a sad lion.

yours sincerely
-Tex Phillips

Friday, July 31, 2009

The Fat Controller and Dumbledore: A Comparison

In any comparison, even if you have no knowledge of what your are looking at, it is important to view them side by side to draw on any immediate visual links to build an opinion of their a character. After all, it is only natural to look at someone and judge them with enough venom to murder an innocent puppy.

First off i would like to point out that they are both male Caucasians that have a face!

Now you might scoff at this and point out that such an obvious statement has no merit to the comparison at all. However, once you start to look deeper into the world of the Fat Controller you will find that everyone has a face...

The fact that a train has a large white smiling face can only point you towards two key character traits of the Fat Controller. Clearly the first would be that he projects his blatant homosexual fantasies on inanimate objects through the use of LSD or Heroin and the second would be that he must be a racist.

Now the second, Dumbledore, he too has a white face but with a beard. It is common practice in oppressive communities for homosexual men to have wives/ girlfriends to act as a cover of their real self. Such practice has been know as having a "beard", and seeing that Dumbledore has one on his white face then clearly he too could be linked to homosexuality. Looking deeper into this character, as he develops in the Harry Potter series, you ultimately come to the conclusion that he is gay and therefore would this then mean that the Fat Controller also would posses such feelings?

Well the answer might be in this...

But unfortunatly it isn't

So where to from here with our comparison? To me it's obvious...


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